... to respect another's commitment to himself or herself?
Okay, these words are coming out of a number of experiences I've had in the recent past.
Has it ever happened to you that you sincerely let people know that after meeting them for dinner, you'd like to leave at such and such a time because you want to wake up early next morning cuz you want to go to the gym/ for a hike/ because you want to work/ because you want to do WHATEVER (!!) just because YOU want to do it and that it means a lot to you... and they say:
"Oh come on! It's a Sunday morning that you're talking about! You should wake up late and not early, really...(haha, are you kidding me? :D) and you're NOT going to wherever-you-wanted-to-go or you're not doing whatever-you-wanted-to-do. Just an hour more..." And after an hour has passed "Oh come on, just 30 min more.." and then "just 20 min more..."!! And then before you know it, it's 12 AM, and you're not even back home. So obviously you've lost your chance to do whatever you had hoped to do.
All this, not because they're in distress and need you or anything (in which case, needless to say, all of the above is fine) but because they want your company, while you're evidently sitting there cringing, just because you have been asked to sit??!
But instead, try telling them something like "I need to leave early because I need to pick someone up from the airport" and maybe whine a bit about it... or say something like "oh I need to take this friend somehwere early tomorrow morning", then they let you go! :D
So basically, if it's a promise that you made to someone else, then it's respected and you're allowed to keep it, but if it's a promise that you made to yourself - Forget It! It's laughed off, and it's trashed right in front of you at that very instant. And then they are happy and proud owners of you, your time, as well as your agenda for the next morning and the rest of the day!
I understand, that sometimes it is done in good humor. Sometimes because they enjoy your company. They really like you, they really want to have fun with you. BUT then... after you express yourself to them repeatedly, how much it means to you and how earnest you are about your plan, your cries completely go unheard!
WHY is it so difficult to understand someone else's commitments to themselves, to respect it and to encourage them to go for it?!
6 comments:
Ah! how true it is, sadly..there are two problems (and i recently realized this as i found myself feeling sorry for someone who seemed to be very happy for herself)...the first, where one superimposes the sources of his/her own happiness and dissatisfaction on the other and assumes that those very things must also have the same effect on the other- good to always second guess that...
and secondly, one always finds it a greater compulsion to please the other than oneself (possibly a good thing for the most part), in some cases, not so objectively and winds up not having as much conviction in voicing that commitment to oneself...i loved this post btw...:)...i hope your future appointments with yourself are more successfully kept :)
That you have realized how you feel about it, and wish to do something about it... I am confident that you will find a solution that works, though it may take some time to hone it to perfection.
All the best, if you wish it, though I think you're already on your way there :).
@halfpast_Aftachrist: Thanks for your fantastic thoughts! Absolutely - you're SO right about the superimposing business! and of course, the second part too. I think one needs to be more proactive though... cuz trust me, I think I did voice conviction, but it still went unheard. If I went a step ahead of that, it would be rude :) and i don't like that unpleasantness. The only way to go about it is to realize that most people are like that, and if you don't know them well enough, err on the side of caution and maybe not agree to meet them in the night :) Or give the next person an example of the prev. incident and sort of take them into confidence. And then they'll proudly let you go :p
8&20: Yes, I too think I'm on my way there... will let you know how I deal with it the next time ;)
Correction: Not to "realize" that most people are like that, but to "assume" that most people are like that!
heya! i've felt this way too...although not as strongly.
but i have wished people would just respect my wishes sometimes. the thing that makes me uneasy is that if you put up a resistance to doing whatever it is that is wished of you, you're viewed rather unfairly (in my opinion) as not being fun enough or spontaneous enough.
other times, i've felt touched that people want my company at all, and i've happily forgotten my own commitments to give them a few more minutes of me-time.
there's a fine line between the two events, and i'm not sure what makes it go one way or the other.
why did you love the post, aa? did you enjoy seeing p in the situation?
:P
when i ask myself what i view as ideal behavior in this scenario, it falls in line with what you suggested - to be true to the needs of your soul (whatever they may be), to be respectful, patient, unjudgmental (and therefore unperturbed) with others' demands of you, to be firm, loving, and dignified (towards oneself) at the same time.
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